I'm Worn

So this is day three of not being able to speak to or even just send a text my best friend. It is gut-wrenching to say the least.  I don't know how I am going to get through this, and I am only doing so minute by minute. I still cannot think about this situation with out breaking down and crying.  I need my best friend.  I need him to tell me everything will be OK, and that we will get through this together.  I feel so lost right now. This song sums up how I feel...

I am starting to remember bits and pieces of the last conversation we had.  And I remember him saying something like, "you are such a Godly woman, how could you do this?". Not sure of his exact phrasing.  I remember thinking in that second after he said it "did he really just say that?".  But it was all I could do to maintain any type of composure and I didn't want to make that the issue.  I wanted to express how sorry I was, and make effort to let him know that I was just a dumba$$.  But I have had a couple of days to mull over things.  And I am a little offended that he would say that to me.  As if being a Christian woman should exempt me from making any mistakes. Au contraire, mon frère!!  Being a Christ follower, striving to be Godly, is a daily effort. It does not come easy.  And when we are really working at it, that is when Satan and his band of demons (henceforth known as "the enemy) work their hardest.  The enemy doesn't prey on the ones who aren't Christ Followers...he already has them...he preys on those of us who strive to be Godly. Why don't more people get that?  Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy those who love Jesus.  And he wrecked havoc on me this week.  He attacked me in a vulnerable moment and I was weak.  And it cost me a lot.  I pray it hasn't cost me everything.  I just don't like to be painted into a box. God will have the victory in this.  I like to think that my best friend just said that out of shock that I did something so selfish and unthoughtful.  I remember telling him that I am not perfect.  And believe me I am not.  None of us are. We all make mistakes.  I know mine is causing my best friend alot of trouble.  Trouble I would gladly take on for him if possible.

Christians are not flawless, or perfect.  We are broken, we are flawed, but we are forgiven by the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  I'm worn.

It just hurt my feelings that he pulled that card out.  You know the one that says "I'm angry at you so I am going to throw everything I got at you".  He is the only person who can make me feel worse than I already do.  I am not a bad person, and I am not a bad friend.  I made a bad choice and I am sorry for that. 

Tales of the Brokenhearted

I am brokenhearted.  I don't know if I will ever really recover from the pain I have caused.  Some my think I am overreacting.  But I'm not.  I knew better than to do what I did, yet I ignored the thoughts telling me don't do it.  For what?  Getting yelled at, and told not to contact my best friend, that isn't what I want..  Ouch, doesn't even begin to describe the pain I am feeling.  I feel like all is lost, that he will not forgive me and will not want a future with me.  We have been through a lot, he and I.  I fell in love with him quickly. or should I say I discovered I loved him quickly.  I think I have always loved this man since 1998.  I didn't want to admit to my love for him,  I wanted to wait until he got all his ducks in a row.  But fate had other plans.  I truly believe that God brought us together.  It doesn't make sense otherwise. 

I miss him more than I can bear.  I can't think of him without crying.  So I have been crying a lot.  I am questioning alot right now.  In my heart I know that God works ALL things together for those who love God (Romans 8:28). And I do love God.  I have heard that God knows what we are going to do before we even do it. That's kind of scary.  How will God work this out?   Will he find forgiveness in his heart for me? I have begged God to forgive me, even though I don't have to beg.  God has forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself, and I may never.  I just want my best friend back.  It's strange how much he means to me.  Not in a bad way, but in a good way.  I feel as if I have never been with out him.  Until now, there is a huge hole in my heart and in my life where he should be.  He is still in my heart, but he doesn't want to speak to me.  That is so hard.  Because I am one who likes to talk through things.  We barely talked for 10 minutes, I didn't get an opportunity to say every thing I should, and everything I want to say to him. 

There is a part of me who wants to be angry.  Figure that one out.  There is a part of me who wants to shift blame to the more than three years I have mostly patiently waited for him, and be angry at all the promised that have been made and yet to be fulfilled.  But I have had hope.  I still have some left...but the longer he stays angry, the less I will have.  But while I can be angry...One doesn't wipe out the other.  What I did was wrong. 

I am stressed and I am anxious and have to fight to just make it through the day.  The last couple of minutes of our conversation, he did reach out and made me promise to hold it together and that we aren't over, but he needed time. He told me he loves me.  That gives me hope.  I replay those words in my mind all day. 

I am so exhausted emotionally and physically I don't know how I can walk.  But I have to, for him, for us.  I have to show him that I can be strong, that I can hold it together. I pray for help, for strength, for forgiveness and reconciliation.  This man is my life.  He deserves to be loved and cherished...and he holds my heart in his hands.  I didn't care for his the way I should have, and it only took just a quick moment to hurt him.  If I get the chance, I will never do it again.  Oh, I will make mistakes...but I pray and hope to God I never hurt him like this again.

till next time...

Eucharisteo: Grace ~ Thanksgiving ~ Joy Part 1

Eucharisteo is a greek word that encompasses Grace, Thanksgiving & Joy. What an amazing word to describe so much!! This weekend I was challenged to come up with my list of 1000 Gifts things that I am thankful for.  I was immediately "on-board" the 1000 gift train.  Then I started to really think about it...1000 gifts? How will I ever complete this list?  The thing is, I believe that once I get started, it will be a never-ending list for everything comes from God... I am going to attempt to make this a pictorial list, just to keep it interesting. The fill list will be posted here.  These are in no particular order. Go ahead and make yours!!  (you can click on the photos to make them larger if you wish)

#1 My beautiful daughter

Hayley :)

#2 Laughter

#3 His voice

#4 My Church

Photo Credit: FBRC

#5 My Circle of Friends

2013 Eucharisteo Retreat ~ Moss Lake, TX

#6 God's Amazing Love

Image Credit: www.truthforlife.org

You can see my full list here

So That Everything Doesn't Happen at Once

Einstein once said that time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once.  Smart dude if you ask me.  I just cannot believe that it is already August...2013.  This has been a short long week.  I am not sure what that means exactly, but it means the week has been fast, but seems long. Last night, I was supposed to go to Walmart and pick up a couple of air mattresses for the retreat I am going to this weekend. I had decided that I was going to take my daughter and went home first.  Big mistake, I sat down and fell asleep and didn't wake up until this morning. I guess I was exhausted. 

Like I mentioned above, I am going to a retreat this weekend, [thanks to my incredibly sweet best friend) and I am kind of nervously excited about it.  This is a retreat my small group leader has been doing for several years with many of her friends, and she is including us this year.  I am good with the people that I know, but I am not exactly comfortable when meeting new people. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy meeting new people, but I revert into my former extremely-introverted-shy-self.  I try really hard, and sometimes I do well...but I am NOT good at small talk, you know when you first meet someone...I NEVER know what to say.  If there is a specific topic, I can talk to it or about it, but just not great at the small talk that typically takes place. It can be very awkward, and makes me uncomfortable.  I know everything will be OK and nothing bad will happen...the pre-retreat anxiety is taking over right now. Once I get there, I will be fine.  

I am really hoping I come back from this retreat being rested and with a new perspective, not only with my life, but with my relationship with Jesus and my friends as well.  I will post a recap once I am able to collect my thoughts.

I really would like to make my blog something I do a few times a week, my life could be making a drastic change in the very near future, and I imagine I will be using this as an outlet for documenting and managing those changes.  As time progresses I am sure this blog will evolve as well.  I am looking forward to it!

Rangers All-You-Can-Eat

Last night I went to the Texas Rangers game with the youth group from my church.  You know because I am still so young at heart. Oh my but it was rather warm out.  I was kind of excited because we were playing the Angels in the first of a three games series, and Josh Hamilton was back in town, plus we sat in the "all-you-can-eat" section.   My dilemma was what to wear. I had three shirts to choose from, my Hamilton shirt, my Napoli shirt (he left too), and my 2010 AL Championship shirt.  I thought I should wear the Hamilton shirt and take something and put an X on the the back.  I decided against it, and chose the 2010 AL Champs shirt.  Once arriving at The Ballpark, I began to notice many others wearing the same shirt I had on, and I told my friend that I must be a trendsetter, because look at all these people who have my shirt on. She laughed at me, I didn't get the humor :)  So after all-you-can-eat nachos, hotdogs and peanuts, the Rangers won in the bottom of the ninth with a walk-off homer by Soto right over Josh Hamiltons head!!! Booyahhhh!!!  It was great!! We had a great time and it was hot.  Here is a group shot that I took for posterity's sake. They are really a sweet bunch of kids!! (you can click on picture to view full-size gallery).

Keep Looking Up...Cause that's where it all is

Late Saturday night I saw the news on Facebook that Kidd Kraddick, a widely popular radio DJ, located here in Dallas had died suddenly.  The news spread quickly with the aid of Facebook and Twitter.  It was most likely this tweet from Mark Cuban that began the frenzy of posts and tweets, expressing shock, sadness, offering condolences and paying tribute to this well known man friends and family.

RIP Kidd Kraddick. You were an amazing man and a friend. You are already missed.
— Mark Cuban (@mcuban) July 28, 2013

To say it was shocking to hear that he had passed away is an understatement.  Do any of us ever expect a seemingly healthy, 53 year old man to die so suddenly?  Most likely we don't.  You just never know when something like this will hit, and how it will affect you. This for some reason has hit me hard, and I certainly never expected it, after all I never met the man, right?

Kidd has been a staple in the DFW market for almost 30 years, he is a part of our lives for four hours each weekday. I remember listening to Kidd when he was on the Eagle here in Dallas when I was in High School.  And then as he moved over to KISS FM, and ultimately found his home.  There are so many bits that I can remember him doing, that would take days to talk about and reminisce about. Who doeesn't remember Flake Boy and Big Al's stunts, Big Als First Impression Limo commercials ( I think I can still remember the phone number 351-0610?), and when Kellie came to audition for the show, Psycho Shanon, all the reality stunts, the talent searches, and we will never forget the incredible way he and Kellie handled 9/11, and when Kidd started Kidds Kids,  I remember each of these like it was yesterday.   Kidd was such great person and he will be terribly missed.  Radio will not be the same without him, but it will move forward though, he will definetly be missed!!

The title of this blog was Kidds typical sign-off.  I have no idea how or why he came up with that particular phrase, but it has always stuck with me.  It's is a great reminder to keep moving forward no matter what may be going on in your world.  For me, it helps me to keep my eyes and heart focused on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, because Jesus is where it all is. I am sure Kidd would agree.

The Saga Continues

So, as the title of the post suggests, I am going to be updating from this post from 2008.  I realize it has been five years.  I have had a lot going on, or not, or maybe I didn't have the insurance that the current administration promised.  You decide.  :) 

I went to the Rheumatologist and he looked at my rash and hands and everything, ordered another seventy thousand blood tests, and asked me to come back in two weeks.  So I did.  I immediately went down to the lab for the blood draw.  This time it was exactly 13 vials of blood. The phlebotomist referred to Dr. Finney as a vampire, I have to say I had thought that as well.  Fast forward to test results day...All of my tests came back good, except for two.  So we decided to wait and see what the dermatologists says.  I went to the dermatologists, and it was actually kind of fun, if you consider fun having two doctors, one resident, one med student, and a nurse poking and pushing and pulling on your body fun.  Long story short, they took photos of my rash, and did another punch biopsy. The doctor prescribed me a .05% Steroid ointment to help with the rash, which I think is the highest topical steroid they make.  so far it is working, my rash is not as noticeable and seems to be fading rather quickly.  Once they get the biopsy results back, he will most likely prescribe a drug called Plaqenil, which is actually an anti-malarial. medication, and go from there. So that is where I am at...

I am back (ish) :)

It's been several years now since I started this blog.  And I am going to continue this blog, mostly for myself, as an outlet for my thoughts and what is happening in my life, but also to share my life and my story with others.  Who knows, maybe my life and experiences will help someone out there in a situation they are in.  I am not sure how this is going to go, but we will see!!  So if you find yourself here on my page reading this, please come back often and check in, and let me know you have been here.  I will be posting a little more about me very soon!!!!

Check this out...awesome...

This is a post I read on Big Mamas blog...go and read it...its fantastic:

The Waiting is the Hardest Part of Waiting

I'm...Back...I think...

Hello bloggers, blog readers...and whoever might stumble upon this page ;-)

It seems as if it has been forever since I have written anything. So much has changed since my last post. And I am busy compiling all my the events and thoughts in my head so I can post. I may break it up in to categories...hmmmm...I dunno...we shall see.

I just wanted to let you know, if you are still out there, that I am still around, just been rather busy with some things. But I am still here.

Take care...see you REAL soon, I promise!!