I'm Worn

So this is day three of not being able to speak to or even just send a text my best friend. It is gut-wrenching to say the least.  I don't know how I am going to get through this, and I am only doing so minute by minute. I still cannot think about this situation with out breaking down and crying.  I need my best friend.  I need him to tell me everything will be OK, and that we will get through this together.  I feel so lost right now. This song sums up how I feel...

I am starting to remember bits and pieces of the last conversation we had.  And I remember him saying something like, "you are such a Godly woman, how could you do this?". Not sure of his exact phrasing.  I remember thinking in that second after he said it "did he really just say that?".  But it was all I could do to maintain any type of composure and I didn't want to make that the issue.  I wanted to express how sorry I was, and make effort to let him know that I was just a dumba$$.  But I have had a couple of days to mull over things.  And I am a little offended that he would say that to me.  As if being a Christian woman should exempt me from making any mistakes. Au contraire, mon frère!!  Being a Christ follower, striving to be Godly, is a daily effort. It does not come easy.  And when we are really working at it, that is when Satan and his band of demons (henceforth known as "the enemy) work their hardest.  The enemy doesn't prey on the ones who aren't Christ Followers...he already has them...he preys on those of us who strive to be Godly. Why don't more people get that?  Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy those who love Jesus.  And he wrecked havoc on me this week.  He attacked me in a vulnerable moment and I was weak.  And it cost me a lot.  I pray it hasn't cost me everything.  I just don't like to be painted into a box. God will have the victory in this.  I like to think that my best friend just said that out of shock that I did something so selfish and unthoughtful.  I remember telling him that I am not perfect.  And believe me I am not.  None of us are. We all make mistakes.  I know mine is causing my best friend alot of trouble.  Trouble I would gladly take on for him if possible.

Christians are not flawless, or perfect.  We are broken, we are flawed, but we are forgiven by the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  I'm worn.

It just hurt my feelings that he pulled that card out.  You know the one that says "I'm angry at you so I am going to throw everything I got at you".  He is the only person who can make me feel worse than I already do.  I am not a bad person, and I am not a bad friend.  I made a bad choice and I am sorry for that.