Rules of Being a Gladiator

A few months ago I was picking my daughter up from a babysitting gig she had with one of the small groups at my church.  They were running a few minutes late and invited me in.  We started talking about TV shows, and our Youth pastor told me about a show that I had never heard of; Scandal.  If you have not heard of or watched it, beware -- it is addictive.  It is about a former White House communications director who set out on her own to begin a crisis management firm ( I could have used her services last week)...meaning she is a "professional fixer", her employees refer to themselves as "Gladiators in suits".. I won't get into any more details, but if you want to catch up (season 4 is about to begin), check out Hulu!  So the show tweeted today about the 13 Rules of being a Gladiator , and Rule number 12 is  

"you can ruin a man's life or elevate him to his best.". 

Dang, that one pierced my heart.  It made me really think about what is going on in my life, and how my actions have affected my Prince.  I wasn't thinking clearly, in a moment of weakness I did something I couldn't reverse, though if I could I would go back to that moment and change it.  My intent was very immature and silly, but the effects were not.  No matter, I caused him trouble, though it was NOT my intention at all. I would never intentionally cause this man heartache or trouble.  Never ever.  I pray that deep down inside he knows this.  I feel he does...I hope he does.  If I thought it would help, I would apologize to a certain person in a heartbeat, but this person wouldn't hear it, nor care if I was sorry (at least that is what I think). I pray that he is handling things well, I hope that the damage I caused isn't long lasting, and people get over it. It shouldn't be, and they should, it was just a stupid mistake. But if he asked me to, I would in a heart beat.  Just to take the pressure off of him.  He doesn't deserve it.   I only want to elevate him to his best.  I want my Prince to be the best he can be.

I have tried to tell him, I have tried to show him how amazing he is the best I can with what resources I have available...I know he hears me, and I know he appreciates my efforts, and I like to believe he believes it too, but his self esteem hasn't been what it should be in certain areas of his life.  I won't go into details of why I believe that is.  He knows. He just needs to find a way to claim it and to let it go of negative things in his life.  I believe he has found the way, it is just pulling the trigger so to speak.  My Prince is the most incredible man I have ever known.  I pray that I get the real opportunity to help elevate him to his best. In turn I will be the best I can be for him, recent events notwithstanding.  I pray that if and when he does read my blog, that he sees that I am truly sorry for what has happened and that I in NO way intended to cause problems for him.  I feel like a broken record, but this is how I am sorting through my feelings and my emotions.  My Prince is usually the one who is there for me, and I don't know if he knows what that has meant to me and still means so much to me. I still have hope.   I am praying for you, and for us, I love you always.

Hope Anchors the Soul

Hope.  I have always tried to be a hopeful person. Some might say to a fault, if there is such a thing.   The definition of hope is to "cherish a desire with anticipation", the biblical definition of hope is: "trust; a strong and confident expectation".  By its very nature, hope stresses two things: futurity, and invisibility. It deals with things we can’t see or haven’t received or both.  Please do not confuse hope with faith.  Although they are similar, they are two separate things.  Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”.  The two work together.  Hope is what keeps us going, faith is knowing it will come.

I have had hope in a dream that began in 1998, when I met my Prince.  Without going into details, we hit it off instantly, but apparently I dropped the ball which caused us to lose contact.  I still say he was the man, he should have followed up with me.  I am sure, if we can work through this current period of trial, that we will joke with each other about this forever.  But even though we lost contact,  I held onto that dream and in the back of my head hoped he would contact me for quite some time, until I finally got up enough courage to seek out what it was that I was dreaming of, only to find out, that it wasn't possible.  I had sent him an email and soon discovered that he had moved on.  Things had changed. Isn't that way of it though?  I don't know if I ever told him, but I was completely crushed.  I even cried.  At that point I thought my dream would never come true, because he was the one.  He is my Prince.  But what was I to do?  I did my best to find a way to let go of that dream, and began to search for a different one.  Without much success I might add.  I dated a couple guys, ended up dating a older man for while, and I even became engaged when that one didn't work, but nothing ever felt right, there was something missing.  So I decided to let go of the dream all together, and decided that God maybe had other plans for me.   And I did, or so I thought...The thing is, the desire for that dream was still there.  It never really left.  I suppose I had just suppressed it, or it is meant to be and God does have a Prince out there for me.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more about what God's will for my life was.  I asked God to show me what he wants me to with with my life.  I craved to know my purpose.  One day, May 21, 2010 to be exact, I was sitting at home watching TV when a commercial for website where you can "find out who is searching for you" came on.  Now let me tell you, I don't usually go to websites like this.  They place tracking cookies on your computer and you get spam,I am sure I don't need to get into the gory details.  But for some reason I decided to logon and see if someone could possibly be looking for me.  What are the odds? Well, on this day, I discovered that my Prince had indeed been looking for me.  Wow, I couldn't believe it.  My heart started pounding and I was so excited that I could barely contain myself.  So, I googled his name and quickly discovered he still worked at the same place [ he had interviewed with back when we first met]...so I bravely sent him an email.  Much to my surprise and excitement he emailed me back!! And he was excited to hear from me...said I made his day.  This brings tears to my eyes as I sit and reflect on it.  I truly felt joy that day.  He told me that he had been searching for me for several months.  And within a few days he confessed to me that he had thought about me all these years and felt that I was the one that God had for him.  WOW. That is pretty huge.  But due to circumstances in his life that are complicated, things haven't been able to move forward in the way we would like for them to. It has been an extremely difficult road.  I have truly tried to be patient, and I have tried to be understanding.  He has been there for me, he as been my main source of encouragement and love for well over three years now.   I have hoped and hoped beyond hope that he would be able to work his situation out so that we could be together.  I have placed an enormous amount of faith in him.  Because I do believe in him.  I trust in him and I have hope in him.  He has been the most amazing friend I could ever ask for, a real dream come true.  He truly is amazing.  And I will forever be thankful for his friendship.  I am not going to even pretend that I know what he truly deals with on a daily basis, and tell you the truth, right now I don't want to know.  I am not sure that my Prince has much faith in himself.  Which breaks my heart. He doesn't have faith that everything will work out fine.  He wants to have all his ducks in a row, and everything perfect.  He doesn't have the courage to take the leap of faith.  I thought I had enough for the both of us, but have learned even that isn't enough.  I thought he had faith in me, I thought that if we just held on to each other we could get through anything.  And I still believe that.  I hope he does too.   

If you read this blog [and I know you don't because I see the stats, so I am just pretending to write to tens of...people]...then perhaps you know what I have been talking about.  Well, I still have not heard from him (day 5), and beginning to wonder if I ever will, despite him saying he would at some point contact me.  This inordinate amount of hope and faith I have...sometimes it plummets.  Usually when my heart is broken. And my heart is broken, but not for myself.   The last time I felt this low was in March, and my Prince sat on the phone with my while I cried it out.  I literally sobbed. I don't know how to describe it.  But he sat there and I know it was hard for him, but he sat there and let me cry, knowing that I was crying for several reasons, not just my job situation..but I was angry, I was hurt  But I am right back there, yet I have no one to be there for me.  It is my fault.   I am hurt that my best friend didn't talk through things with me, he just reacted with the one of two things he knew would cut me to the quick and hurt me.  I know he has his reasons, and I get it.   I made a mistake, a momentary lapse in character, that caused him trouble.  Again, I would gladly take it on in his place.  I guess the thing that is the most heart breaking is that I didn't think beyond myself in that moment, and didn't think of how he would feel if he knew, I didn't think of how it might affect him. Regrettably, that was undoubtedly the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life.  But I still have hope.  Hope for forgiveness and hope for restoration.   I have faith that my Prince IS the man I believe him to be.  And I believe we will work through this, and be even more strong together.  I pray for clarity, I pray for guidance and wisdom, and I pray for reconciliation.  Even after more than three years of waiting and being disappointed, I still have faith in us..and  surely that counts for something, I will behave much more prudently in the future.  I made a mistake, a simple mistake, one that will never happen again, I am sorry.  So very sorry, like I said, I know it caused him trouble, and for that I am grievously sorry.  I still hope beyond hope that he will forgive me soon.  I love you my Prince. So much. 

Jesus Calling

Alot of people read this daily devotional.  My daughter was given a couple of copies for her graduation, and she gave me one.  I read it every once in a while.  Today's post caught my eye and helped me to realize that I can accomplish all I have ever dreamed of through Christ and that I NEED Him to get through my life.  Here it is, hopefully if you run across this blog somewhere out there on the interweb it will speak to you as well:

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world.  Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties.  The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.

Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle.  This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade.  It is precisely where I want you--the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching towards you, cry out to Me! Allow me to fight for you.  Watch me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence.

Revelation 19:1 After this I heard what seemed to be the loud voice of a great multitude in heaven, crying out,“Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, (ESV)

Psalm 91:11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.(ESV)

WOW, that is powerful.  I really needed this today!!!  It reminded me to not try and do things on my own, but to rely on my Lord and Savior.  I need Him.  I need his presence in my life all the time, but especially right now.  I need the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf.  I pray that God will speak to my Prince and reassure him that he can still trust me.  I need God to comfort not only myself, but my Prince.  It is such a difficult situation, but God knows what it is, and what needs to be done.  I love you, my Prince, and I praise and thank God for you each and every moment.

I'm Worn

So this is day three of not being able to speak to or even just send a text my best friend. It is gut-wrenching to say the least.  I don't know how I am going to get through this, and I am only doing so minute by minute. I still cannot think about this situation with out breaking down and crying.  I need my best friend.  I need him to tell me everything will be OK, and that we will get through this together.  I feel so lost right now. This song sums up how I feel...

I am starting to remember bits and pieces of the last conversation we had.  And I remember him saying something like, "you are such a Godly woman, how could you do this?". Not sure of his exact phrasing.  I remember thinking in that second after he said it "did he really just say that?".  But it was all I could do to maintain any type of composure and I didn't want to make that the issue.  I wanted to express how sorry I was, and make effort to let him know that I was just a dumba$$.  But I have had a couple of days to mull over things.  And I am a little offended that he would say that to me.  As if being a Christian woman should exempt me from making any mistakes. Au contraire, mon frère!!  Being a Christ follower, striving to be Godly, is a daily effort. It does not come easy.  And when we are really working at it, that is when Satan and his band of demons (henceforth known as "the enemy) work their hardest.  The enemy doesn't prey on the ones who aren't Christ Followers...he already has them...he preys on those of us who strive to be Godly. Why don't more people get that?  Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy those who love Jesus.  And he wrecked havoc on me this week.  He attacked me in a vulnerable moment and I was weak.  And it cost me a lot.  I pray it hasn't cost me everything.  I just don't like to be painted into a box. God will have the victory in this.  I like to think that my best friend just said that out of shock that I did something so selfish and unthoughtful.  I remember telling him that I am not perfect.  And believe me I am not.  None of us are. We all make mistakes.  I know mine is causing my best friend alot of trouble.  Trouble I would gladly take on for him if possible.

Christians are not flawless, or perfect.  We are broken, we are flawed, but we are forgiven by the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  I'm worn.

It just hurt my feelings that he pulled that card out.  You know the one that says "I'm angry at you so I am going to throw everything I got at you".  He is the only person who can make me feel worse than I already do.  I am not a bad person, and I am not a bad friend.  I made a bad choice and I am sorry for that. 

Tales of the Brokenhearted

I am brokenhearted.  I don't know if I will ever really recover from the pain I have caused.  Some my think I am overreacting.  But I'm not.  I knew better than to do what I did, yet I ignored the thoughts telling me don't do it.  For what?  Getting yelled at, and told not to contact my best friend, that isn't what I want..  Ouch, doesn't even begin to describe the pain I am feeling.  I feel like all is lost, that he will not forgive me and will not want a future with me.  We have been through a lot, he and I.  I fell in love with him quickly. or should I say I discovered I loved him quickly.  I think I have always loved this man since 1998.  I didn't want to admit to my love for him,  I wanted to wait until he got all his ducks in a row.  But fate had other plans.  I truly believe that God brought us together.  It doesn't make sense otherwise. 

I miss him more than I can bear.  I can't think of him without crying.  So I have been crying a lot.  I am questioning alot right now.  In my heart I know that God works ALL things together for those who love God (Romans 8:28). And I do love God.  I have heard that God knows what we are going to do before we even do it. That's kind of scary.  How will God work this out?   Will he find forgiveness in his heart for me? I have begged God to forgive me, even though I don't have to beg.  God has forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself, and I may never.  I just want my best friend back.  It's strange how much he means to me.  Not in a bad way, but in a good way.  I feel as if I have never been with out him.  Until now, there is a huge hole in my heart and in my life where he should be.  He is still in my heart, but he doesn't want to speak to me.  That is so hard.  Because I am one who likes to talk through things.  We barely talked for 10 minutes, I didn't get an opportunity to say every thing I should, and everything I want to say to him. 

There is a part of me who wants to be angry.  Figure that one out.  There is a part of me who wants to shift blame to the more than three years I have mostly patiently waited for him, and be angry at all the promised that have been made and yet to be fulfilled.  But I have had hope.  I still have some left...but the longer he stays angry, the less I will have.  But while I can be angry...One doesn't wipe out the other.  What I did was wrong. 

I am stressed and I am anxious and have to fight to just make it through the day.  The last couple of minutes of our conversation, he did reach out and made me promise to hold it together and that we aren't over, but he needed time. He told me he loves me.  That gives me hope.  I replay those words in my mind all day. 

I am so exhausted emotionally and physically I don't know how I can walk.  But I have to, for him, for us.  I have to show him that I can be strong, that I can hold it together. I pray for help, for strength, for forgiveness and reconciliation.  This man is my life.  He deserves to be loved and cherished...and he holds my heart in his hands.  I didn't care for his the way I should have, and it only took just a quick moment to hurt him.  If I get the chance, I will never do it again.  Oh, I will make mistakes...but I pray and hope to God I never hurt him like this again.

till next time...

Eucharisteo: Grace ~ Thanksgiving ~ Joy Part 1

Eucharisteo is a greek word that encompasses Grace, Thanksgiving & Joy. What an amazing word to describe so much!! This weekend I was challenged to come up with my list of 1000 Gifts things that I am thankful for.  I was immediately "on-board" the 1000 gift train.  Then I started to really think about it...1000 gifts? How will I ever complete this list?  The thing is, I believe that once I get started, it will be a never-ending list for everything comes from God... I am going to attempt to make this a pictorial list, just to keep it interesting. The fill list will be posted here.  These are in no particular order. Go ahead and make yours!!  (you can click on the photos to make them larger if you wish)

#1 My beautiful daughter

Hayley :)

#2 Laughter

#3 His voice

#4 My Church

Photo Credit: FBRC

#5 My Circle of Friends

2013 Eucharisteo Retreat ~ Moss Lake, TX

#6 God's Amazing Love

Image Credit: www.truthforlife.org

You can see my full list here

So That Everything Doesn't Happen at Once

Einstein once said that time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once.  Smart dude if you ask me.  I just cannot believe that it is already August...2013.  This has been a short long week.  I am not sure what that means exactly, but it means the week has been fast, but seems long. Last night, I was supposed to go to Walmart and pick up a couple of air mattresses for the retreat I am going to this weekend. I had decided that I was going to take my daughter and went home first.  Big mistake, I sat down and fell asleep and didn't wake up until this morning. I guess I was exhausted. 

Like I mentioned above, I am going to a retreat this weekend, [thanks to my incredibly sweet best friend) and I am kind of nervously excited about it.  This is a retreat my small group leader has been doing for several years with many of her friends, and she is including us this year.  I am good with the people that I know, but I am not exactly comfortable when meeting new people. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy meeting new people, but I revert into my former extremely-introverted-shy-self.  I try really hard, and sometimes I do well...but I am NOT good at small talk, you know when you first meet someone...I NEVER know what to say.  If there is a specific topic, I can talk to it or about it, but just not great at the small talk that typically takes place. It can be very awkward, and makes me uncomfortable.  I know everything will be OK and nothing bad will happen...the pre-retreat anxiety is taking over right now. Once I get there, I will be fine.  

I am really hoping I come back from this retreat being rested and with a new perspective, not only with my life, but with my relationship with Jesus and my friends as well.  I will post a recap once I am able to collect my thoughts.

I really would like to make my blog something I do a few times a week, my life could be making a drastic change in the very near future, and I imagine I will be using this as an outlet for documenting and managing those changes.  As time progresses I am sure this blog will evolve as well.  I am looking forward to it!