Hope. I have always tried to be a hopeful person. Some might say to a fault, if there is such a thing. The definition of hope is to "cherish a desire with anticipation", the biblical definition of hope is: "trust; a strong and confident expectation". By its very nature, hope stresses two things: futurity, and invisibility. It deals with things we can’t see or haven’t received or both. Please do not confuse hope with faith. Although they are similar, they are two separate things. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”. The two work together. Hope is what keeps us going, faith is knowing it will come.
I have had hope in a dream that began in 1998, when I met my Prince. Without going into details, we hit it off instantly, but apparently I dropped the ball which caused us to lose contact. I still say he was the man, he should have followed up with me. I am sure, if we can work through this current period of trial, that we will joke with each other about this forever. But even though we lost contact, I held onto that dream and in the back of my head hoped he would contact me for quite some time, until I finally got up enough courage to seek out what it was that I was dreaming of, only to find out, that it wasn't possible. I had sent him an email and soon discovered that he had moved on. Things had changed. Isn't that way of it though? I don't know if I ever told him, but I was completely crushed. I even cried. At that point I thought my dream would never come true, because he was the one. He is my Prince. But what was I to do? I did my best to find a way to let go of that dream, and began to search for a different one. Without much success I might add. I dated a couple guys, ended up dating a older man for while, and I even became engaged when that one didn't work, but nothing ever felt right, there was something missing. So I decided to let go of the dream all together, and decided that God maybe had other plans for me. And I did, or so I thought...The thing is, the desire for that dream was still there. It never really left. I suppose I had just suppressed it, or it is meant to be and God does have a Prince out there for me. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more about what God's will for my life was. I asked God to show me what he wants me to with with my life. I craved to know my purpose. One day, May 21, 2010 to be exact, I was sitting at home watching TV when a commercial for website where you can "find out who is searching for you" came on. Now let me tell you, I don't usually go to websites like this. They place tracking cookies on your computer and you get spam,I am sure I don't need to get into the gory details. But for some reason I decided to logon and see if someone could possibly be looking for me. What are the odds? Well, on this day, I discovered that my Prince had indeed been looking for me. Wow, I couldn't believe it. My heart started pounding and I was so excited that I could barely contain myself. So, I googled his name and quickly discovered he still worked at the same place [ he had interviewed with back when we first met]...so I bravely sent him an email. Much to my surprise and excitement he emailed me back!! And he was excited to hear from me...said I made his day. This brings tears to my eyes as I sit and reflect on it. I truly felt joy that day. He told me that he had been searching for me for several months. And within a few days he confessed to me that he had thought about me all these years and felt that I was the one that God had for him. WOW. That is pretty huge. But due to circumstances in his life that are complicated, things haven't been able to move forward in the way we would like for them to. It has been an extremely difficult road. I have truly tried to be patient, and I have tried to be understanding. He has been there for me, he as been my main source of encouragement and love for well over three years now. I have hoped and hoped beyond hope that he would be able to work his situation out so that we could be together. I have placed an enormous amount of faith in him. Because I do believe in him. I trust in him and I have hope in him. He has been the most amazing friend I could ever ask for, a real dream come true. He truly is amazing. And I will forever be thankful for his friendship. I am not going to even pretend that I know what he truly deals with on a daily basis, and tell you the truth, right now I don't want to know. I am not sure that my Prince has much faith in himself. Which breaks my heart. He doesn't have faith that everything will work out fine. He wants to have all his ducks in a row, and everything perfect. He doesn't have the courage to take the leap of faith. I thought I had enough for the both of us, but have learned even that isn't enough. I thought he had faith in me, I thought that if we just held on to each other we could get through anything. And I still believe that. I hope he does too.
If you read this blog [and I know you don't because I see the stats, so I am just pretending to write to tens of...people]...then perhaps you know what I have been talking about. Well, I still have not heard from him (day 5), and beginning to wonder if I ever will, despite him saying he would at some point contact me. This inordinate amount of hope and faith I have...sometimes it plummets. Usually when my heart is broken. And my heart is broken, but not for myself. The last time I felt this low was in March, and my Prince sat on the phone with my while I cried it out. I literally sobbed. I don't know how to describe it. But he sat there and I know it was hard for him, but he sat there and let me cry, knowing that I was crying for several reasons, not just my job situation..but I was angry, I was hurt But I am right back there, yet I have no one to be there for me. It is my fault. I am hurt that my best friend didn't talk through things with me, he just reacted with the one of two things he knew would cut me to the quick and hurt me. I know he has his reasons, and I get it. I made a mistake, a momentary lapse in character, that caused him trouble. Again, I would gladly take it on in his place. I guess the thing that is the most heart breaking is that I didn't think beyond myself in that moment, and didn't think of how he would feel if he knew, I didn't think of how it might affect him. Regrettably, that was undoubtedly the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. But I still have hope. Hope for forgiveness and hope for restoration. I have faith that my Prince IS the man I believe him to be. And I believe we will work through this, and be even more strong together. I pray for clarity, I pray for guidance and wisdom, and I pray for reconciliation. Even after more than three years of waiting and being disappointed, I still have faith in us..and surely that counts for something, I will behave much more prudently in the future. I made a mistake, a simple mistake, one that will never happen again, I am sorry. So very sorry, like I said, I know it caused him trouble, and for that I am grievously sorry. I still hope beyond hope that he will forgive me soon. I love you my Prince. So much.
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