Tales of the Brokenhearted

I am brokenhearted.  I don't know if I will ever really recover from the pain I have caused.  Some my think I am overreacting.  But I'm not.  I knew better than to do what I did, yet I ignored the thoughts telling me don't do it.  For what?  Getting yelled at, and told not to contact my best friend, that isn't what I want..  Ouch, doesn't even begin to describe the pain I am feeling.  I feel like all is lost, that he will not forgive me and will not want a future with me.  We have been through a lot, he and I.  I fell in love with him quickly. or should I say I discovered I loved him quickly.  I think I have always loved this man since 1998.  I didn't want to admit to my love for him,  I wanted to wait until he got all his ducks in a row.  But fate had other plans.  I truly believe that God brought us together.  It doesn't make sense otherwise. 

I miss him more than I can bear.  I can't think of him without crying.  So I have been crying a lot.  I am questioning alot right now.  In my heart I know that God works ALL things together for those who love God (Romans 8:28). And I do love God.  I have heard that God knows what we are going to do before we even do it. That's kind of scary.  How will God work this out?   Will he find forgiveness in his heart for me? I have begged God to forgive me, even though I don't have to beg.  God has forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself, and I may never.  I just want my best friend back.  It's strange how much he means to me.  Not in a bad way, but in a good way.  I feel as if I have never been with out him.  Until now, there is a huge hole in my heart and in my life where he should be.  He is still in my heart, but he doesn't want to speak to me.  That is so hard.  Because I am one who likes to talk through things.  We barely talked for 10 minutes, I didn't get an opportunity to say every thing I should, and everything I want to say to him. 

There is a part of me who wants to be angry.  Figure that one out.  There is a part of me who wants to shift blame to the more than three years I have mostly patiently waited for him, and be angry at all the promised that have been made and yet to be fulfilled.  But I have had hope.  I still have some left...but the longer he stays angry, the less I will have.  But while I can be angry...One doesn't wipe out the other.  What I did was wrong. 

I am stressed and I am anxious and have to fight to just make it through the day.  The last couple of minutes of our conversation, he did reach out and made me promise to hold it together and that we aren't over, but he needed time. He told me he loves me.  That gives me hope.  I replay those words in my mind all day. 

I am so exhausted emotionally and physically I don't know how I can walk.  But I have to, for him, for us.  I have to show him that I can be strong, that I can hold it together. I pray for help, for strength, for forgiveness and reconciliation.  This man is my life.  He deserves to be loved and cherished...and he holds my heart in his hands.  I didn't care for his the way I should have, and it only took just a quick moment to hurt him.  If I get the chance, I will never do it again.  Oh, I will make mistakes...but I pray and hope to God I never hurt him like this again.

till next time...